Note: My wife Jody doesn’t post here often. This is from her.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
– C. S. Lewis
On April 29, 2007, a young man made the decision to go out and drink and then get behind the wheel of his SUV and drive. He died. His name was Josh Hancock, a Major League baseball pitcher with the St. Louis Cardinals. Today, his father has filed a wrongful death suit against the restaurant franchise where his son had spent some time that evening drinking, the driver of the stalled car, and the owner of the tow truck company.
A statement from Dean Hancock states: “The facts and circumstances associated with the death of my son, Josh Hancock, have caused great pain to all of Josh’s family. On May 18, 2007, I was appointed the Administrator of Josh’s estate by the Chancellor of the Lee County, Mississippi Chancery Court. As the Administrator of Josh’s estate, I have a duty to represent Josh’s family regarding all of the issues related to his death and the overall administration of his estate, including any legal actions necessary against those who contributed to the untimely and unnecessary death of my son at the age of 29. As Josh’s father, I have this same duty. Unfortunately, my duties involve pursuing legal actions against those businesses and individuals who contributed to the death of Josh.” (Source: MLB.COM)
The death of a child is no doubt a parents worse nightmare. I believe it is a nightmare that neither Hollywood nor the most vivid imagination can create. The pain brings you not just to your knees but into the very pit of hell. Whether that childs death is due to disease, an accident, war, or the intentional actions of someone else, a parent will find themselves screaming in disbelief and pain. In the days that follow it is important, even vital, to find somewhere to put blame which is part of the equation that will bring reason to an un-reasonable event.
My youngest son, James, died two years and eight months ago. My oldest son, John, is a professional baseball player. Do I sympathize with Mr. Hancock? Yes. Do I empathize with Mr. Hancock? Yes. Do I agree with what he is doing? No. His actions are going to take enormous amounts energy and time. His actions are going to cause a great deal of pain to others and not relieve the excruciating pain that is ripping through his family nor is it going to heal his family. Time is the simple but difficult element that is going to bring healing. Finding a constructive way to remember their son and reach out to others is healthy and brings new life into the hole that was once occupied by the one that you loved more than your own life. What a voice of truth would be heard loud and clear to encourage other players, and boys who look at these players as role models, not to drink and drive!
C.S. Lewis was wrong about a key point. I dont have to live each endless day in grief. I live each day with the grief that James and I are separated for now. I can live and so will James.
Here is a link to one of the ways that our family found to remember and reach out: John Webb Winter Golf Tournament.